We may not be able to change what life throws at us but we can change how we respond to it. This makes it easier to navigate difficult situations. Photo by Greg Rakozy.
In situations that are challenging, difficult or uncertain it’s easy to become the effect of the situation, like we’re a helpless victim of circumstances and can’t do anything about it. This is disempowering, it doesn’t feel good and it’s not the optimum place to operate from.
When we’re in that place, we can feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. It can seem like it’s all doom and gloom and there’s no way out. We imagine that the future will bring the worst case scenario and we can easily find ourselves in a downward spiral of negativity, anxiety and doubt.
To get out of this vicious cycle we need to move from being at the effect of circumstances to having self-mastery despite the circumstances. Even though the outer circumstances may remain the same, we’re empowered through choosing who we are within ourselves in response to those circumstances.
However difficult the external situation might be, the one thing over which we have an influence is who we are within ourselves in the face of that situation: how we respond, who we choose to be and what action we choose to take. We may not be able to change what life throws at us but we can change how we respond to it. This is so even in the most extreme and trying circumstances.
The STARS Process
Here’s a tool to help you. I call it the STARS Process, which is an acronym taken from the following:
- Stop
- Truth
- Accept
- Respond
- Start
Let’s look at each step.
Stop
Stop and look at the situation. Press the pause button, breathe and take a look at what’s really going on. You can’t see the reality of the situation when you’re moving at the fast pace that we mostly operate at.
Truth
Tell the truth about the situation. Get out of your mind, put aside your thoughts, feelings, opinions, speculations and beliefs about the situation and look at what’s really going on. What’s the only thing you can say about the situation that’s actually true? Strip it down to the raw facts, the objective reality. Separate out what’s true and what you’ve added to the situation in your own mind.
Accept
Accept this truth that you’ve now observed. What is, is. This isn’t passive acceptance, giving up, defeat or resignation. It’s an active acceptance, a conscious embracing of everything the way it is and the way it isn’t – just for this moment right now.
It involves letting go of your resistance to what is, letting go of fighting what is and letting go of trying to change what is. You might as well do this, because resisting doesn’t change anything (in fact, it perpetuates it) and you’ll save yourself a lot of effort and stress by not resisting what, in actuality, is irresistible. Everything that exists now in this present moment already is, so your disliking it or fighting it makes no difference to it.
Respond
Respond by taking action that’s based on the reality of the situation. The previous steps stripped things down to how they really are, free from your resistance, your mind chatter, your interpretations and your drama. Now you can respond in a way that’s grounded in reality, powerful, practical and authentic.
You can discern what the situation is calling for and you can respond accordingly. Ask yourself: What wants to happen here? What’s needed from me in this situation? Who does this situation require me to be?
Start
Start doing something. Get into action. Never mind all the things that you can’t do – what’s the one thing that you can do in the situation, now that you see it for what it really is? There’s always something you can do, however small or insignificant it might seem.
It’s especially beneficial if you help someone else in some way because getting your focus off yourself and directing it outwards into the world stops you being consumed by your own negative thoughts and feelings.
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So, when faced with challenging, difficult or uncertain situations, use the STARS Process. If you need help with this, let me know.
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