The ‘internal accounts’ that we keep on people limit how we relate to them. Photo by Pixabay.
In relating with others we have a way of ‘keeping accounts’. We maintain an internal record of the ways in which they’ve misbehaved, wronged us, hurt us, underappreciated us, misunderstood us or let us down. Each time we’re not treated in the way we think we deserve to be treated we make a mental record of it.
We take it personally even when something wasn’t done intentionally or consciously to us – and in fact it may have had nothing to do with us at all.
How we create our internal accounts
When we get upset or annoyed about people having wronged us in these ways, we start considering how we’ll ‘get even’ with them, how we’ll adapt our behaviour toward them and what we expect back from them to redress the perceived imbalance.
We add entries to our internal accounts so that the ‘books balance’. We withhold our love and generosity as we feel that they owe us something, that they should treat us better, give us more attention, respect or praise, or make amends for something they ‘did to’ us – and until then we’re going to make them pay.
This keeps us identified with our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes about ‘how they are’ and ‘how they should be’. Even if we don’t openly say what we think, we silently broadcast it in all our communications with the other person, and this gets in the way of open, authentic and loving relationships.
The effects of our internal accounts
Our accounts operate like an internal conversation that’s always present, giving a commentary on how a person has treated us, how they should treat us and how we’re going to treat them. That conversation might contain phrases like:
- ‘She did ___ to me so I’ll ___’
- ‘He never ___ so I won’t ___’
- ‘She’s always ___ so I’m going to ___’
- ‘Until he ___ I’m not going to ___’
This internal conversation shapes and limits how we relate to others and how they show up for us. We become so identified with our idea of how another person is and should be that we can’t see them as anything else and we don’t give them the space to be anything else. This objectifies them and constrains them to be a certain way when they relate with us, and it does the same to us in how we relate to them.
What we can do about our internal accounts
The keeping of accounts happens automatically and unconsciously and we all do it, but we can become aware of when we’re doing it and avoid becoming identified with it.
When we choose to ‘close our account’ with someone, we ‘write off the debt’ that we told ourselves they owe us. This grants them the freedom to be their true self when relating with us and they no longer have to be who we’ve mentally predetermined them to be.
It also relieves us of the burden of keeping an account on them and we become free to relate authentically with them.
‘Closing our accounts’ on people clears the way for openness, authenticity and love in our relationships. Photo by Craig Adderley.
Instead of having predictability and limitation in your relationships, consider closing the account you’ve kept on someone, write off their emotional debt, and see what new possibilities open up for you and for them. You might be pleasantly surprised how easy and harmonious the relationship becomes.
If you need help with this, please get in touch and we can work on it together. I offer a low-cost introductory consultation, where we can discuss your needs and how I can best help you.