Great relationships are possible when we clear unresolved issues from the past that are blocking authentic communication and the experience of love. Photo by Kristina Litvjak.
Do you find relationships difficult? Is your relationship unfulfilling or a repeat performance of past failures? Are you settling for a mediocre marriage or would you like to have an amazing one? Are you single and tired of dating the same unsuitable type of partner again and again?
Relationships are the fabric of human life. They can bring much joy and fulfilment when they’re going well, and they can be a source of unhappiness and dissatisfaction when they’re not. Being single can have its own challenges too, and may lead to sadness and loneliness.
Consider what it would be like if you could transform your current relationship or your ability to attract a new partner into your life. What would it be like if you were able to create great relationships that are healthy, fulfilling and long lasting?
What makes a great relationship
The health, functionality and success of a relationship is a result of what you bring to it, rather than what you seek to get out of it.
Trying to change the other person or expecting them to resolve your issues from the past leaves no space for love, closeness and respect.
By changing who you are in relation to your partner, and who your partner is for you in your own mind, you can transform the quality of your relationship.
And if you’re currently unattached, resolving your issues from the past is necessary to clear the way for the right person to come into your life.
Habitual patterns of relating
Do you always seem to attract the same sort of partner? Do the same patterns in romantic relationships repeat themselves and seem unstoppable or outside your control? Do you find yourself having the same conversations over and over, whether with your partner or inside your own mind? ‘He never …’, ‘She always …’, ‘I wish he/she would …’, ‘Why can’t you just …?’ are phrases we often find ourselves saying or hearing.
When the same old beliefs, thoughts and attitudes based on the past are carried forward into your future, you can’t help but generate the same old results. Graphic by Sean Redmond.
These ways of relating are based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs and attitudes stemming from past experiences and they operate automatically below the level of conscious awareness.
They throw you onto autopilot, keep you stuck in the past, and stop you relating in an easy, open and authentic way.
They keep your relationships predictable and as long as they’re operating you’ll always get more of the same, as there’s no space for anything else to show up.
Although these habitual patterns feel uncontrollable, in fact you can release yourself from their grip with the help of my transformational coaching techniques.
Why you get upset
When something hurts in you, or you feel like one of your buttons has been pushed and you’re swept up in an emotional whirlwind, it’s a sure sign that something unresolved from your past has been triggered.
When you get upset, the other person isn’t the direct cause of your upset, however much it might seem that way. They said or did something but it’s your reaction to their words or behaviour that really causes your pain and upset.
The meaning and the narrative that you add to the bare facts of what happened determines how you handle (or don’t handle) the situation. This occurs in an instant, automatically and unconsciously, and is caused by past-based patterns within your own self. They hide in your blind spots and they run your life as long as they remain unconscious.
Arguments and upsets are caused by unresolved things from our past being restimulated. Resolving these things can transform how we relate to each other. Photo by Vera Arsic.
The other person is also automatically and unconsciously reacting to something from their own past that’s been triggered, and this is how we mostly communicate with and relate to each other.
Stimulus, response, stimulus, response … in a vicious circle. There’s nothing wrong with this – it’s a normal part of being human – it’s just that it doesn’t create the right environment for happy and long-lasting relationships.
How transformational coaching helps
Transformational coaching enables you to find and heal the parts of you that automatically react in this way, so that you’re no longer upset when certain things occur around you. It works by gently bringing things out from your blind spots into your conscious awareness so that they don’t control you any more.
How you see your partner in your mind, and how you see yourself in relation to them, are like images that you project into the space between you. These images negatively impact the space, and limit how both you and your partner can be in that space. Transformational coaching reveals these image projections to you and enables you to undo their negative effects.
Transformational coaching clears your relationship of unhealed issues from the past, and resolves negative thoughts and feelings, so you can see your partner – and yourself – in a new light. Photo by Gustavo Peres.
When you’re not being driven by unconscious factors you’ll be able to remain calm and present in the face of any adversity, respond appropriately to what’s happening in the moment instead of being taken over by a knee-jerk reaction, and defuse arguments before they escalate. You’ll have the ability to know and to clearly communicate what your needs are, to be and to express your authentic self.
Think about the relationships that are important to you and imagine how this could transform them. How much more ease and love would be present if the automatic patterns weren’t running and you were free to be your real self?
Create the happy, long-lasting relationship you really desire
A relationship is created or destroyed by what you bring into its space and who you ‘be’ in that space. If you fill up the space with fixed, unconscious, automatic ways of being based on unresolved things from the past, you get a limited and predictable relationship at best, and at worst you get one that’s unhappy or destined to fail.
If you’re single and looking for a new partner and you’re coming from those fixed ways of being, then it’ll be a struggle or it may never get off the ground at all and you’ll find yourself wondering why it ‘always seems to turn out like this for me’.
The key to a long and happy relationship is the willingness to accept the other person as they are and as they aren’t, without trying to change them into who you think they ‘should’ be. Photo by Tristan Le.
When you bring openness and a willingness to accept the other person as they are and as they aren’t, then you can experience love, fulfilment and happiness and you have the foundation for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
It’s only your past-based patterns that stand in the way of this and clearing them creates the space in which a good relationship can exist. It’s like tending the ground in which to grow seed into healthy plants. You wouldn’t expect a good crop if the ground is cluttered up with weeds and the soil is poor or polluted.
Transformational coaching enables you to break out of the repetitive and limiting patterns from your past and create the space where the happy, long-lasting relationship you really desire can flourish. Click the button below to arrange an introductory consultation where can discuss what you need to make your relationships bloom!